too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
