if you like me you must not know who I am
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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