I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
