You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
