I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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