and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
