Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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