there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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