im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
