booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
