Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
