I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
