too bad you live with your parents still
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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