He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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