How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
