that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
