i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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