ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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