Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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