thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
