U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
