I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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