I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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