Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
