i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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