its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I did not marry a roomba.
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