Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
