Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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