I think i sorta joined a cult last night
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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