Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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