i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
