Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
