between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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