Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
