my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
