Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
