I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
