My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
