my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dear god my vagina.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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