Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
