Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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