Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
