I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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