Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
