So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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