I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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