I will die if light touches me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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