someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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