At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
