yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize