Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
