I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Quick, to the slutcave!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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