I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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