I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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