Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
