God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my being single is dangerous.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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