So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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