Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
