You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sorry about my life...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
