1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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