I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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