just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
