I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
