it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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