she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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