i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
