are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
