Redeem this text for a blowjob
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If I die, sorry about rent.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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