It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
