I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
