Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
